I remember cheerful birthdays with sweets for friends, games, and gifts. Each age was like a level-up punctuated with the sound of Mario grabbing a coin. As the number went up, you unlocked more. Freedoms, understanding, more of your own capacity, skills, and trust. Age was a friend, everyone did keep saying I ‘had it on my side.’
Something happened once I completed my two decades on this planet. People expect birthdays to come with an impending sense of doom. Level-ups aren’t full of new cool outfits and power-ups, they are instead a countdown to a boss fight. Who is this boss? Am I prepared for it? All questions for later I guess.
Enough has been written about the lists, the Forbes, the under 20s, 30s, and whatnot. The race they create. A race against your peers. One that, alright, some can win. A race against time. Now, this is one that ticks me off. I seem to be running in the race, but time seems to be running out faster.
I don’t want it. I have never been much of a runner. No, thank you.
The world we live in expects us to achieve the world within the second decade of life. Capitalism wants all of my fun hobbies turned into money-minting professions, or at the very least content.
My relatives use my birthday as a twofold marker. One to remind themselves ‘Haaye, how time passes no?’ Two to remind me what all I should have gotten done by now ‘By your age, I was married.’ ‘I had a kid at your age.’ ‘I had a full-time job and a family.’ Okay woah, overachievers, good on you. Most of these are not on my cards or priorities for some time.
I did not ask for the gift of existence, on most days I don’t even like it much. But I will celebrate it how I want.
I am opting out of the race. I would rather hand out water and bananas on the sidelines. Maybe I’ll paint a terrible still-life of the banana which can neither be sold nor used as content. Who knows.
I like growing older. It still feels like levelling up somewhere. I don’t understand the ‘I am forever young, forever 18.’ of random Indian uncles and aunties. I would never want to be 18 again. I never want to be any of the ages I have already crossed. I know too much now, I have grown too much and I have too much to ever go back.
I want to look forward to ageing. A supposed big bad wolf, Ageing, a boss fight along with Time. I want to experience my body changing and cut it slack for literally keeping me alive. I do not want to employ the magnifying glass that media, magazines, and the internet keep handing out to women. I will not look through this glass. Ageing is beautiful and I would like to see the proof of all of the years I have spent on this usually terrible planet.
This year, the only fears I want are whether I have learned enough, whether I have loved enough, and whether I have had experiences that have planted themselves in my heart. I want to feel my growth like vines climbing up walls.
I will continue levelling up, and Mario will get the coin (at his own pace of course!). No countdowns or races that I am predetermined to lose.
Every birthday, we don't level up, we clear another level, the challenge life puts us through, the obstacles, the villains, the bosses, we do get power up sometimes, few companions at various stages too but that's an add on, we have to clear it with them or without them, cest la vie. But I like to remind myself at times, it's okay to not to be able to clear level with all the 5 stars, to clear them with perfect scores, sometimes just making through them is more than enough,and it's also okay even if I drop a level down, I am still in the race, I will come back stronger in the next attempt.
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday to you wonder wahman.
PS : don't fear about learning enough, loving enough, experiencing enough, be fascinated of them instead ✨